Play by the Rules

Play by the Rules, Fight Fair

“You always do that?” “Do what?” “That!” “So what, you do too!” It’s a wonder that we can keep track of the argument at all when we fight with those we love. We all argue, even if we don’t argue overtly, we argue with each other. With all of the turmoil in the world, maybe we can all do with a little refresher on fighting fair. Just as the best of games have rules, so does fighting.

First, abstain from violence. Of course it’s natural to feel so angry in an argument that you might want to “wring someone’s neck.” Don’t. Instead, remove yourself from the other person’s presence until you are clear enough to be able to play by the rules. Violence happens, game over. Then you’re playing a whole new game, not the game of love and fighting fair.

Second, address one issue at a time. It is so tempting when in an argument to get side tracked and argue about fourteen things at a time. Or to get off track by saying things like “you do the same thing.” Believe it or not, that is simply side tracking the issue and can escalate the tension.

Third, listen, listen, listen. Listen to the other person’s perspective. Make sure you understand it. This also means dropping your assumptions that you know what someone else is thinking or what their motivations are. In some Native American cultures there is the tradition of asking a single question in arguments, “Is there anything else?” This gives the speaker lots of time and space to state their position. In this way, the anger associated with a particular stance begins to dissipate. Of course, this takes enormous self-discipline and patience. Try it in little disagreements and watch what happens.

Fourth, listen to what it is you want. Most anger is rooted in desire. Once you understand the desire lying under the anger, you can address the desire. Most desires fall into two categories: those within your control and those out of your control. With those wants within your control, create a plan to make it happen. With those out of your control, let it go.

Fifth, state your perspective with respect and courage. Those last two words are the clincher. This means, at the least, no name calling, no blaming and being willing to stand in your truth. Lots of people (women in particular) avoid conflict because it feels yucky. Once you learn to play by the rules, it’s not so yucky and actually feels like a relief.

Finally, forgiveness, ask for it and offer it. This is a tough one for some of us, because it means that we ‘fess up and take responsibility for our actions. When we ask for forgiveness, we are also making an agreement to do something differently. When we offer forgiveness, we genuinely let go of the misdeeds and wrongdoings of others. When we all learn to use this power tool of the heart, what kind of magical heaven might we create on Earth?

Perhaps if we each do our part to play by the rules of fighting fair, we can each contribute to peace house by house, town by town, state by state, country by country. Grandiose? Certainly, and why not dream big when it comes to peace?

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