Secret Love Test

A young woman visits with me to talk about her life, her challenges and help with meeting her personal and professional goals.  Somewhere along the way, she shares her disappointment about not getting something she wants and suggests that her loved ones and friends should not have to be told what she wants, they should just know. 


Soon, I feel the tug to allow the conversation to drift into finding fault with others and frustration about the insensitivity of others.  I know that such a conversation ultimately ends with a feeling of hopelessness.  Though the frustration with others leads to a temporary and illusory feeling better about oneself, such a strategy ultimately results in a feeling of being misunderstood and alone.  Does any of this sound familiar?


In our culture, we have an abundance of GRITS – Girls Raised In The South.  One striking aspect of such “girls” is that some of us have a rough time navigating the transition of becoming women who ask for what we want with clarity and graciousness. 


Perhaps we could lend each other a hand.  What if we all gave each other permission to learn to ask for what we want?  What if we listened carefully to how other women ask for what they want?  What if we learned to say with gracious directness, “I have a request...” followed by a clear statement of what we want?  We might not always get what we want, but we sure improve our chances if we ask.


Just practicing asking in the most mundane areas of life might be a start.  What would you like for dinner?  What movie would you like to see?  Where would you like to go on vacation?  Just try saying, “I would like…”  “I prefer…”  “Would you be willing to…”  Or simply, “I have a request…”


Maybe we can help each other learn to recognize and ask for what we want rather than engaging in what my mentor called, “the secret love test.”  Perhaps you’ve taken and failed the test.  Perhaps you’ve given the test to others.  Some know it as the “if you really loved me…if you really knew me, then you would…” test.


Or maybe the first step is asking yourself what you really want.  Some of us spend so much time thinking about and fulfilling the needs of others that we rarely consider our own wants and needs.  Make everyone’s life a little better.  Consider your wants and needs alongside the wants and needs of others.  Practice asking for what you want with gracious directness.  Leave out the guesswork.


  1. (c)2000 Melanie McGhee                                                                                                               Originally published in THE DAILY TIMES, Maryville, TN